Wednesday, December 23, 2009

What is the best diet?

You know, I've eaten more in the last month than some people eat in a year. Sweets of every kind. Savory dishes including sausage and cheese and potatoes and I think I've even had hydrogenated corn syrup on top of animal lard, simmered in a big vat of cheese.

So I'm going to finish out the year like the not-so-little piggy I am. Go out with a bang. Then...January 1, 2010 is the year...See, 2010...I want to be a size 10...I know for a lot of you anorexic little skinny people, size 10 is huge. Screw you for even reading this, buddy. If you can honestly say you need to lose 3 pounds and not die laughing, click someone else off, okay? Okay. Because, see, IF I can downsize this caboose as quickly as I was downsized from work, I'd already be a size 10.

Let me tell ya, I've tried many-a-diet. Failed at every single freaking one of them. I'll go into some detail here because maybe you're looking for a diet, too. Maybe you can see one I have tried, and you're like...oooohhhh, I want to try that diet, maybe she's just a fat moron that can't count the points and stick to a diet. You'd be right. You'd be so right.

Alli - Do not eat a high-fat meal and then cough. Seriously. It's not a little anal leakage, it's a full-force jet engine of poo stew that comes out. And then, to add insult where humiliation is working just fine, thank you very much, I didn't lose weight. At. All. So Alli, you SUCK. You're like being pregnant, only you don't get to cuddle a baby afterwards.

Weight Watchers - I did this for a while with pretty good success...maybe I'll give it another whirl. When you see a deal (like, almost free) please let me know. I actually do still have their points books, somewhere, covered in dust in some dark corner of some dark closet. The thing I like about it is that you can actually look up recipes that the family will eat.

Nutrisystem - This diet works as long as you like the food you at at the school cafeteria. I mean, soy everything. After a while of doing this diet, the pizza tastes just like the freeze dried hamburgers. The good part is that it does actually work and that you don't have to refrigerate the food (a bonus if you travel with your job.) The bad part is, you eat your kiddie portion of food while making the ooey gooey meal you really want for the family. Oh, and you go broke doing it. Because I'm a tight wad and see, I can feed my family for about $5 a day using coupons. So, if you're independantly wealthy, single, and travel with your job, and love soy, this is the ultimate diet for you.

Slim Quick - probably good when used as a coffee creamer...but didn't help me lose a single pound.

Adkins, Low-Carb, No Carb - I can do this faithfully for about 2 weeks. In those two weeks, I lose about 10-15 pounds. Not a bad deal if I ever could stick with it, but see, I can not do it. I simply can not. If you have heartburn like I sometimes get, the last thing you want to eat after a while is some greasy meat. But if you've been on a low-fat diet for a while, you'll enjoy this for a while.

Low-Fat or L0w-Cal - See, these type diets I can do for a little while. Then I start discovering ways to make desserts that are low-fat or low-cal...and it turns out, you're really not supposed to eat the whole dessert. You're supposed to eat a tablespoon of it. Yeah, because we fat people really do that.

Portion Control - If you've ever really seen what a portion is supposed to be, you realize you need to throw out the good plates and eat of your baby's plate. Yeah. And then when you're starving and feeling light in the head, you have a moment and realize you've eaten your baby. Oops. You know you ate the baby, because your stomach is crying and there is a half-eaten binky on the floor.

So, what to do, what to do? Ya'll help this fat girl get to a size 10 without surgery, ok? Because people only buy the whole "baby fat" thing while the kid is still a baby. When he's two years old, people know you're just a lard-butt.

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