Thursday, December 31, 2009

January's Goals

So I'm a fat ass. Most nicer people call me a "foodie". I like to make and eat great tasting foods. I'm also a cheap skate. The nicer people call me "frugal". I'm a couponing-sale nabbing-rebate sending queen. So what I have is kitchen cabinets stuffed full of stocked food. Not one, but TWO fridge/freezer units stuffed full of food. And now comes my big New Year's Resolution - I want to lose weight. Damn.

They say, "Waste not, want not" and they say "Taste makes Waist". I don't want to waste food and I want to lose weight. So my challenge to myself is to find lower-fat ways to make the food I already have on hand. Mainly because my stuff is so stuffed, I can't find things even when I know they're in there. Just ask The Man of the House about the fit I threw over missing guacamole mix when I was pregnant. Ohhhh yeah. It's not the only fit I've thrown about stuff like that, just the most serious example of "Melisa is Crazy" related to overstocked cabinets.

So, last night we had white beans (one of the 7 or 8 bags of beans in my pantry) w/ hambone (left over from Christmas-frozen) and cornbread (already in pantry).

Today, I made a double-batch of bananna bread because the banannas were starting to brown. By the way, very ripe banannas are much sweeter and better for baking or making bananna pudding.

Tonight, we're having leftover Chicken Parmesean. Garlic bread will be simple toast w/ butter, sprinkled with garlic. Good thing my peeps aren't picky about these things.

I have made and the frozen several meals in the last couple of months, and while I don't want to have the same things over and over, it's been long enough that it's starting to sound good again. So I'll kinda post what we're having for dinner each night. Who knows, you might have the same things lurking in your cabinet. Oh, and I must confess, although I love to coupon and save money, I freaking hate going to the store. SO I'm on the plan of trying not to have to go out and buy a bunch more stuff. Once I get some of the stuff out of the cabinets, I'm going to buy more fresh veggies and less red meats. That sounds like a quick and easy way to lower my fat/calorie intake.

Now, for homework, please tell me your favorite meals that are made of stuff most people keep on-hand.

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

What is the best diet?

You know, I've eaten more in the last month than some people eat in a year. Sweets of every kind. Savory dishes including sausage and cheese and potatoes and I think I've even had hydrogenated corn syrup on top of animal lard, simmered in a big vat of cheese.

So I'm going to finish out the year like the not-so-little piggy I am. Go out with a bang. Then...January 1, 2010 is the year...See, 2010...I want to be a size 10...I know for a lot of you anorexic little skinny people, size 10 is huge. Screw you for even reading this, buddy. If you can honestly say you need to lose 3 pounds and not die laughing, click someone else off, okay? Okay. Because, see, IF I can downsize this caboose as quickly as I was downsized from work, I'd already be a size 10.

Let me tell ya, I've tried many-a-diet. Failed at every single freaking one of them. I'll go into some detail here because maybe you're looking for a diet, too. Maybe you can see one I have tried, and you're like...oooohhhh, I want to try that diet, maybe she's just a fat moron that can't count the points and stick to a diet. You'd be right. You'd be so right.

Alli - Do not eat a high-fat meal and then cough. Seriously. It's not a little anal leakage, it's a full-force jet engine of poo stew that comes out. And then, to add insult where humiliation is working just fine, thank you very much, I didn't lose weight. At. All. So Alli, you SUCK. You're like being pregnant, only you don't get to cuddle a baby afterwards.

Weight Watchers - I did this for a while with pretty good success...maybe I'll give it another whirl. When you see a deal (like, almost free) please let me know. I actually do still have their points books, somewhere, covered in dust in some dark corner of some dark closet. The thing I like about it is that you can actually look up recipes that the family will eat.

Nutrisystem - This diet works as long as you like the food you at at the school cafeteria. I mean, soy everything. After a while of doing this diet, the pizza tastes just like the freeze dried hamburgers. The good part is that it does actually work and that you don't have to refrigerate the food (a bonus if you travel with your job.) The bad part is, you eat your kiddie portion of food while making the ooey gooey meal you really want for the family. Oh, and you go broke doing it. Because I'm a tight wad and see, I can feed my family for about $5 a day using coupons. So, if you're independantly wealthy, single, and travel with your job, and love soy, this is the ultimate diet for you.

Slim Quick - probably good when used as a coffee creamer...but didn't help me lose a single pound.

Adkins, Low-Carb, No Carb - I can do this faithfully for about 2 weeks. In those two weeks, I lose about 10-15 pounds. Not a bad deal if I ever could stick with it, but see, I can not do it. I simply can not. If you have heartburn like I sometimes get, the last thing you want to eat after a while is some greasy meat. But if you've been on a low-fat diet for a while, you'll enjoy this for a while.

Low-Fat or L0w-Cal - See, these type diets I can do for a little while. Then I start discovering ways to make desserts that are low-fat or low-cal...and it turns out, you're really not supposed to eat the whole dessert. You're supposed to eat a tablespoon of it. Yeah, because we fat people really do that.

Portion Control - If you've ever really seen what a portion is supposed to be, you realize you need to throw out the good plates and eat of your baby's plate. Yeah. And then when you're starving and feeling light in the head, you have a moment and realize you've eaten your baby. Oops. You know you ate the baby, because your stomach is crying and there is a half-eaten binky on the floor.

So, what to do, what to do? Ya'll help this fat girl get to a size 10 without surgery, ok? Because people only buy the whole "baby fat" thing while the kid is still a baby. When he's two years old, people know you're just a lard-butt.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

The Best Blog EVER

I have never met the woman that writes this blog but she's my soul sister. I swear, reading her blog will make you rush to your nearest CVS to buy some Depends, because you'll pee all over yourself laughing. I love a girl that can drop the F bomb without blinking. It's better than chocolate covered sex. Read it, and you'll never read my blog again!

It's almost Christmas

I know, Christmas is a time for eating sinful things that you just don't get all year long. See, the Man of the House LOVES his sweets. I mean, so much so that I have caught him cheating on me in the middle of the night with some witch named Little Debbie. All I hear from the bedroom is the crinkle of the cellophane packages and various moaning sounds. Anyway, wanting to be the hostess with the mostest to my Almost-Dad who will be here tomorrow night, today I made a cheesecake for him. Not for Christmas. This cheesecake was specifically made to deter him and the Man of the House away from the various pies and insundry sweets that I'd actually like to keep whole until Christmas. Kinda like having made a Shoo-Fly pie from days of old. Don't get me wrong, I shamelessly boast that my cheesecake is top-knotch. I'm proud of it and it never fails to get rave reviews. I'll be cooking my keester off for the the next few days for THE Christmas dinner, but between now and then, we're going to have to eat. ;)

There are two secrets to great cheesecake. Shh...I'll tell you...First, you have to let the eggs and cream cheese come to room temperature before you do anything else. This is important, because otherwise your cheesecake will have hunks of cream cheese in it. We're making a cake here, not bagels, so don't mess with the recipe until these things are no longer cold. Second, you have to cover the outside of the springform pan with aluminum foil, stick it in an even bigger pan of hot water. I know it's a messy pain in the yoo-hoo, but it keeps the outside of the cheesecake from getting brown and tough and it keeps the center from falling like a crater. So just do it. If you want my recipe and you're not related, I'll give it to you. If you are related, you must sign an affodavit that you'll never make MY cheesecake for any family function. Why, you ask? Because that's MY job and I like basking in all the compliments, thank you very much. Oh, one more thing...some people like strawberries, some like cherries, some like raspberries on their cheesecake. Me, I leave the cake plain and put the toppings in separate bowls, so whatever your little heart desires, you can have. If you like straw-cherry-raspberry cheesecake, be my guest.

I hung the mistletoe today. Right in the doorway between the kitchen and the living room, where my family likes to hang out, anyway. I like getting kissed instead of ticked. Normally, I'm saying, "Move your toys out of the doorway. Go play in your room" or to the Man of the House, "Excuse me, honey." (Complete with clenched teeth and a threatening sarcastic overtone.) After all, why oh why do people like to hang out and chit chat RIGHT in the way all the time? Anyway, now that the mistletoe is hung so you can see, somebody waits for me...kiss 'em once for me...and I'll have a holly jolly Christmas. But I digress.

I'm still holding out on wrapping the few last presents. I don't know what my problem is. I really do like wrapping presents, but I might have burned myself out. Today, I "wrapped" one a basket with cellophane and a big pretty bow. Turned out looking pretty professional, if I do say so myself. I need to count packages for the kids and make sure they all have an even number, and if not, I have to make it even. Either by buying a gift or by wrapping two things in one package. See, kids are package counters. They don't really know the value of the items until they are teenagers (and thereby know EVERYTHING) so little kids get fooled every year. Not to mention that "Aunt Sissa" (as they have always called me) gets great deals on things that look expensive. So who really knows? I don't even remember, and I'm the one that bought the stuff.

Monday, December 21, 2009

Kids say the funniest things

The other day, my precious little almost two-year old boy says "Go away, buggers, go away." (Picture him, rubbing his nose with gusto.) He cracks me up.

Going to give this blog thing a shot

I started a gardening blog. I didn't stick with it. I mean, I wanted to...but you see, my life is FULL off stuff, not just gardening. So this little blog is going to be Melisa. Not just a part of Melisa. I don't know if anyone is going to read it...but I can tell you the things I think about and might talk about on here.

  • Gardening
  • Cooking
  • Playing with the kids
  • Couponing
  • CVS Deals
  • Kroger Deals
  • Saving Money
  • Family Life
  • Politics
  • Opinions (mine, mainly, on which I am an expert)
  • Funny Stuff (because Life is one big comedy)

Maybe more stuff... Who knows!

It's now a few days before Christmas. I have about 95% of my shopping done, 90% of the wrapping done. The house is decorated inside and out. I love Christmas. I have found that one thing that will take the stress out of the holidays is saving a little bit each week in a savings account. I don't do well with generic "when I get extra" savings. I have to have something written in the little spot on the budget that says "Christmas". This year, I saved $15 a week. Then when I got laid off 7 weeks before Christmas, at least I wasn't in a panic. Almost all of my shopping was done on Black Friday. My sister and I go every year. I try to make a general list of the things the people on my list might like, then when the Black Friday ads come out, I see if anything on the list is on sale. Also, I look for other gifts for people on my list. Sometimes, what I had in mind doesn't match what I found on sale. So I just change my mind. It's that simple.

Christmas gifts are a crap-shoot anyway. The things I find that I just love, the recipient might be like "What was she thinking?" I have no idea. Funny thing. We are taught as children that whatever the gift, we must pretend to be excited over it. Then somewhere along the way, we decide that we shouldn't provide Christmas wish lists anymore. We go from 3-page letters to Santa, so many wishes to choose from, to "oh, don't spend any money on me." And all that is fine and good, probably Mrs. Manners would approve, but see, I'd rather have a good idea of what you like. For instance, if you love music, don't ask me for a "Country CD". Tell me five of your favorite artists...or tell me five new CDs you don't already have. After all, everyone loves George Straight and almost everyone that likes country has one of his CDs. I don't make whatever Christmas list I'm provided an absolute "must buy". I mean, if I see something I think you would like and find it at a price I can afford, you're getting it. List or no.

Some people are SO hard to buy for, though. The man of the house, for instance. Gifts from the past that I've given him (and he's hated) include GPS (not a brand he's familiar with and it won't stay stuck to his windshield), a digital camera (that he doesn't like since he's not computer savvy and also since I use it too), a digital camcorder (that he lost the charger to)...a shotgun (which he's used only a few times...)...a tent and miscellaneous camping gear (which is still all in the original packaging in the garage). It doesn't seem to matter what I get him or how much I spend. I can't seem to find a gift that will make him smile. I hope this year will be better. I always try so hard. If he doesn't like these presents this year, next year I'm getting him coal in his stocking and a gift certificate to Lowes.